You know when you are enjoying a book so much that you just hate to see it end? I am feeling that way now. I have one chapter left in "Blue Like Jazz," but I don't want to read that chapter because I don't want the book to be over. It is pretty sad actually. I have had ample time to read it but I am purposely avoiding it. It is one of those books where when you have finished reading it, you feel like you have lost your best friend. I mean this book and I did spend 3 hours at Panera together yesterday over a few cups of coffee. If only I could move to Portland, Oregon, marry Donald Miller, and just listen to his humorous stories all day, every day. Now that would be the life. Sadly, it would never work out. He is way too old for me. I would love to sit down and pick his brain a bit though.

Lately I have very much enjoyed being by myself, which is a major change for me. I have gone from not wanting to even order my own food to sitting alone at Panera for hours on end reading and studying. But hey, who could pass up free coffee refills and bear claws? Panera is officially my new favorite place. I, for some crazy unknown reason, love being here and it's not only the bear claws, even though they are pretty wonderful. I enjoy watching the people who come in and listening to their conversations. You can learn a lot about people this way.

Donald Miller put a new spin on "love your neighbor as yourself" for me today. I have known for a while that I have self-esteem issues. It has always been hard for me to accept someone else's love. I am pretty sure that it is becasue I do not see myself worthy of their love. I have been working on this, working on realizing that God does love me very much. That I am worth something to him, so why would I not be worth something to others? But we have always been taught to love others as we love ourselves. You know, do unto them as we would have them do unto us. Simply, be nice to strangers and love everyone. Miller, pointed out though, that he would not dare treat others the way that he treated himself. He would not put his neighbor down the way that he put himself down. I like this somewhat backwards view of the golden rule. I think I have a much harder time being nice to myself than I do being nice those around me. I am still working on loving myself, becasue I believe that I can not truely love my neighbor until I can truely love myself. I am glad Donald Miller and I have this in common. I will add it to the list of reasons why I want to marry him..

I made a very important decision. I thought about it a lot. I talked to family and friends before making this final choice. It was hard but today I decided that I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life.

I take that back. It was misleading. I know exactly what I want to do with my life. I want to do what I was made to do. I want to serve, teach, help, build, guide, and love. Most importantly, I want to worship my savior by helping others. The problem is that I do not know how to even begin to do these things. I do not know where I am supposed to do these things. I feel such an urge and conviction to do something, but I just can not figure out what that something is.

I think I need to work on the scope of the thesis statement for my life. Right now it is overwhelmingly wide. I do not have enough time to do everything that I wish I could do. I know that focusing on everything will not do any good for anything.

Now I realize that maybe the problem is not that I do not know what I want to do and how to do it. Maybe the problem is that I am not searching for what God wants me to do and how He wants me to do it. Maybe I just need a little faith. As Oswald Chambers once said, "Faith never knows where it is being led, but it knows and loves the One who is leading." My knowledge of Him and my love for Him continue to grow greater everyday. I am just having trouble combining that knowledge and love with the faith that I will eventually end up where He wants me to be.

After realizing that I am indeed not smarter than a 5th grader, I decided that reading would be much more productive than watching television. So, I retreated to my room to begin the adventure that is "Blue Like Jazz." I will admit that I started the book some time ago and never got around to finishing it. I thought that it at least deserved a decent chance. Around the sixth chapter, I could not help thinking about something else..

I am not too sure what has come over me lately. I have never been one to be classified as a "Jesus freak." So, when my roommate alluded to the fact that I had started to scare her the slightest bit, it really got me thinking about my relationship with God. I have discovered that I long for such a joy and peace in Christ that some would find quite incapable of being attained. I have this newly implanted desire to be completely fulfilled in Him. And I have to say that I am, to some degree, glad that others can see this in me. My pastor remarked last Wednesday that he loved to see young people with a twinkle in their eye. I jokingly noted that it was just the street lamp shining from behind him, all the while secretly hoping that maybe he does see some sort of twinkle in my eyes.

If only I felt like I had to the strength to be the change I wish to see in the world..