Her heart still had hope in the completely hopeless situation and she had a hard time figuring out why. Her head knew the exact date of when that last drop of hope streamed down her face. But moving on meant letting go and her heart was not going to let that happen. Not just yet. Deep down she knew that pain of this magnitude never truly goes away. She would just get better at hiding it from the worried faces and caring souls around her.

Maybe she could have fought back the memories. Maybe she just was not trying hard enough. Maybe she did not want to try. If happiness is a choice, was she choosing to be unhappy? The anger and sadness had rebuilt the walls around her heart that he had so carelessly torn down. The feelings had become familiar. She was comfortable and content because she knew what to expect. She was dealing with it. Moving on meant losing that anger and sadness that seemed to protect her now. She preferred the familiar over the uncertain, even with the possibility of greener grass on the other side.

That through year after year
Something very few witness
But all that breathe have wished for
Such a sad story it is
For a love of the deepest
To be wasted at last.

Everyday her heart broke all over again as if it shattered into a million pieces every morning just as she opened her eyes. It was as if the alarm clock had some evil magic power that brought back the pain. At the moment her feet touched the floor, she spent the rest of the day gasping for breath while trying to pick the sharp pieces out of her lungs. With every midnight prayer, she tried to re-form the pieces into a figure that at least somewhat resemebled the shape of a heart, only for it to shatter again the next morning with the sound of that wretched alarm clock.

The days had flown by and before she knew it a year had come and gone. She had an impossibly hard time believing that it had been that long. She spent so much of her energy just trying to figure out why she still hurt that she barely had any energy left to try to make the pain stop. She wondered how much more time it would take. She was growing tired, but knew inside that the worst pain was better than the numbess that would overcome her if she finally let him go.

The more she thought about it, the more she laughed at her own jealousy. It couldn't possibly be true anyway. After all they had been through, after everything he had promised, he couldn't have possibly moved on that fast. Or at least she hoped. But then again, no. She would never wish that same fate on the poor girl. Unfortunately though, people never change. At least not without something really worth changing for and this girl couldn't be that special.

Time. It takes time. Something of which he hadn't had enough of. Unless, of course, he didn't need time. She dared to say it was all a lie, some sort of game he was playing. If that was true, she definitely had won. She was finally truly and so deeply in love. In love with someone who she trusted to be in control. Someone who would never leave. And because His arms were now constantly around her, she didn't need him anymore.

She had comfort and refuge in the only one who could truly change her. And he, well, he is still searching all the wrong places for the one thing she has already found.

She didn't like face to face conversations. Writing was easier. It allowed her to disconnect from the conversation and the situation. Almost as if a character she created was engaging in the talk instead of her. She was writing a story. The story of her life as she wished it was being lived.

It was cold that day but she didn't mind. The cool air almost magically numbed the pain she felt on the inside. He was late. So she waited, thinking about the irony of their meeting location. Things like this don't usually begin and end in the same place. Her thoughts were interrupted when he pulled into the parking lot and got out of his car.

She tried to avoid eye contact as she handed him the last of his things. His eyes were too much to handle at a moment like this. They were always filled with a comforting peace, and peace just wasn't something she could believe in right now.

Before he turned to leave, he wrapped his arms around her as if he was saying his final goodbye. The familiarity of his touch and smell brought a flood of memories and tears to her eyes. He let go too soon she thought as she got back into her car.

She sat there waiting on the strength to leave and thought about the irony of their meeting location. Things like this don't usually begin and end in the same place.

You know when you are enjoying a book so much that you just hate to see it end? I am feeling that way now. I have one chapter left in "Blue Like Jazz," but I don't want to read that chapter because I don't want the book to be over. It is pretty sad actually. I have had ample time to read it but I am purposely avoiding it. It is one of those books where when you have finished reading it, you feel like you have lost your best friend. I mean this book and I did spend 3 hours at Panera together yesterday over a few cups of coffee. If only I could move to Portland, Oregon, marry Donald Miller, and just listen to his humorous stories all day, every day. Now that would be the life. Sadly, it would never work out. He is way too old for me. I would love to sit down and pick his brain a bit though.

Lately I have very much enjoyed being by myself, which is a major change for me. I have gone from not wanting to even order my own food to sitting alone at Panera for hours on end reading and studying. But hey, who could pass up free coffee refills and bear claws? Panera is officially my new favorite place. I, for some crazy unknown reason, love being here and it's not only the bear claws, even though they are pretty wonderful. I enjoy watching the people who come in and listening to their conversations. You can learn a lot about people this way.

Donald Miller put a new spin on "love your neighbor as yourself" for me today. I have known for a while that I have self-esteem issues. It has always been hard for me to accept someone else's love. I am pretty sure that it is becasue I do not see myself worthy of their love. I have been working on this, working on realizing that God does love me very much. That I am worth something to him, so why would I not be worth something to others? But we have always been taught to love others as we love ourselves. You know, do unto them as we would have them do unto us. Simply, be nice to strangers and love everyone. Miller, pointed out though, that he would not dare treat others the way that he treated himself. He would not put his neighbor down the way that he put himself down. I like this somewhat backwards view of the golden rule. I think I have a much harder time being nice to myself than I do being nice those around me. I am still working on loving myself, becasue I believe that I can not truely love my neighbor until I can truely love myself. I am glad Donald Miller and I have this in common. I will add it to the list of reasons why I want to marry him..